


an open book (with a torn out page)

by Directionless_Foray



Series: bad baby [5]
Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Character Study, Complicated Relationships, M/M, Organized Crime, background charles/seb, unrequited feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-04-27
Packaged: 2021-02-26 19:02:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23873299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Directionless_Foray/pseuds/Directionless_Foray
Summary: Kimi used to think his father was strong and powerful.He remembers thinking that largely because his father drove a big black car. When he was little that seemed to be a big dealThat he drove a big car.And wore a black suit and sunglasses to work.He never really told Kimi what it was that he did for work, not until Kimi was older at least, but Kimi remembers the car and the sunglasses.Now that he’s older Kimi knows better.It wasn't a suit, it was a cage.(It wasn’t a car, it was a prison)
Relationships: Antonio Giovinazzi/Kimi Räikkönen, Kimi Räikkönen & Sebastian Vettel
Series: bad baby [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1699429
Comments: 28
Kudos: 63





	an open book (with a torn out page)

**Author's Note:**

> title from 'Neptune' by Sleeping At Last 
> 
> i was turning this idea over in my head for a really long time.
> 
> a really really long time. 
> 
> i really wanted to explore this part of the story and so- i did.
> 
> I'm really very fond of Kimi in this verse so be gentle with him pls lol

Kimi used to think his father was strong and powerful.

He remembers thinking that largely because his father drove a big black car. When he was little that seemed to be a big deal

That he drove a big car.

And wore a black suit and sunglasses to work.

He never really told Kimi what it was that he did for work, not until Kimi was older at least, but Kimi remembers the car and the sunglasses.

Now that he’s older Kimi knows better.

It wasn't a suit, it was a cage.

(It wasn’t a car, it was a prison)

-

Kimi meets Seb after having worked with the _company _for the better part of seven years.

One morning Giancarlo sends him to meet with some foreign kid who wants in on the operation.

Apparently he has some connections which may be of interest.

Giancarlo clearly isn't very optimistic but he also doesn't trust anyone else to do it properly.

So naturally he sends Kimi.

Kimi meets the kid in a café a few blocks from Napoli Centrale.

He's young.

Green.

Kimi's only older than him by maybe ten years tops. But he just looks so _green_.

His eyes are bright as he takes everything in, from the café they're seated in to the stores across the street.

The people walking on the street.

Everything.

(Even Kimi.)

His eyes are bright and curious but his gaze is also sharp and shrewd, Kimi can tell he's committing things to memory, learning everything.

(Reading and analysing his surroundings.)

His hand is steady and he's not nervous.

He's not _scared_.

It's pretty impressive and Kimi is kind of glad that Giancarlo isn't the one who came to meet him.

But it's all moot in a way anyway.

Because the thing is that Sebastian would probably get eaten alive before he even realised how much of a threat he could be.

_La officina _doesn't like outsiders at the best of times.

Kimi knows all too well.

He takes a sip of his espresso.

"Why do you want to do this?" Kimi asks honestly.

The man- Sebastian,

("_Call me Seb._")

Blinks slowly as he considers his answer, Kimi finds he's a lot more interested in his answer than he thought he would be.

A wicked smile spreads across that baby face.

(Kimi has a feeling that unassuming face is going to help him out a lot.)

(Is going to help him lull dangerous people into many a false sense of security.)

"To prove that I can," Sebastian says plainly, "to prove that I can still build a kingdom even if I wasn't born with a crown."

And Kimi has worked with the_ company_ for years.

He's numb to it all.

But Seb is new. He still sees it as a chess game rather than a labyrinth of slightly different prison cells.

"You think you can sit on the throne?"

Seb grins, "no one expects me to."

And it's true.

Giancarlo sent _Kimi _to meet him.

"But that's exactly what I am going to do," Seb says plainly.

Kimi can't help it.

He's intrigued. Something that has long lain dormant in his chest is lifting its head. Craning its neck to get a closer look.

Kimi's gaze unconsciously flicks down.

Seb is wearing a plain gold ring, it glints in the afternoon sun.

The creature nestled in Kimi's chest ducks its head and curls back up again.

-

Kimi ends up spending much more time with Seb than he ever thought he would.

Kimi watches bemusedly as Seb worms his way into the _company_ and his own irreplaceable place in_ la officina_ seemingly without anyone noticing.

Until one day he becomes an indispensable part of the broader operation and seemingly without making a single enemy.

It's pretty fucking impressive. 

Federico is livid, he pulls Kimi aside one day and asks if he knew what Sebastian has planned. If this is the extent of his ambitions.

Kimi maintains a blank expression and shrugs.

He proceeds to lie, "I had no idea that this is what he had planned."

Federico narrows his eyes and he never liked Kimi very much.

But luckily for him,

Kimi always hated him too.

He deserves to sweat a little. 

Federico is an entitled piece of shit who thinks command is his god-given right by sheer virtue of _proximity_ and having been all but born into the upper council.

But Seb never asks Kimi to pick up a bag of luxury coffee beans at three am in the morning or drop off his laundry or any of the bullshit-

The stuff some of the others try to foist onto Kimi.

So Kimi is content to keep his cards close to his chest and wait it out. To see if Seb really can take the house with the hand he was given.

"I'm sure he's just playing with you all," he lies, "I don't think he has any aspirations you need to worry about."

-

And slowly but surely they grow into and around each other like the vines that crawl up the fence in Kimi's backyard.

Suddenly it's like-

Like he blinked one day and one second Seb was just some kid who Kimi didn't want to see shot in the streets and the next second Kimi is spending four evenings every week at Seb's house drinking wine and talking shit and office politics.

They bond over how much they hate everyone else at _la officina_.

Drinking red wine and joking about who they'd cut loose first.

(Giancarlo or Federico.)

(Without a doubt.)

(Maybe Marco too.)

(The cleaner who always forgets to return the bins after he clocks out.)

Elaborate ways to claw back territory in Campania.

(Expansions in trading territory.)

(Kicking out or subsuming the smaller, less organised, incumbents.)

(Complemented by a regime of aggressive widespread recruitment.)

And Seb has great ideas. Ruthless ones. Scary ones.

It's strange to think of him as the kid who solemnly told Kimi that he wanted to sit on the throne and fashion himself into a king.

But then and again, it also fits remarkably well.

A jigsaw piece slotting so perfectly into place with a silent _click_.

Seb didn't come here to fuck around in Naples.

To eat some pizza and maybe commit some small scale crime on the side.

No,

Seb came to Italy so he could finally become an honest to god _threat_.

Kimi silently spares some pity for anyone who tries to stand in his way.

Then he remembers the type of people they work with-

He retracts his pity and sympathy almost immediately.

-

"He's amazing," Seb is smiling to himself as he turns a picture over in his hands.

Kimi glances over to take in the subject of the picture, a man sitting in a bed reading a storybook, flanked by some kids in matching pyjamas.

Seb wears old sweatpants and a shirt with holes in the armpits as what can loosely be termed _pyjamas _so Kimi presumes the man in the photo-

The one with the dark lashes and delicate nose

-is the one who picked the charming little matching pyjamas for the kids.

_Charles_.

"He's pretty," Kimi allows.

"He's fucking gorgeous," Seb corrects with a proud grin, "he's absolutely batshit _insane_ and I've never met anyone as insane as me but Charles- and he surpasses even me."

Kimi bites back his retort that,_ it's easy to be pretty and insane at the same time if you don't have to worry about protecting yourself_.

_The rest of us have to be content with quiet and inoffensive._

_Just to survive. _

"Sometimes I think he should be here and not me," Seb remarks, he picks up a pen and scrawls something on the back of the photo.

"Really?" Kimi isn't too sure.

Plenty of people think they can manage _la officina _until they actually get here and realise how much of it is just-barely controlled chaos.

A dangerous melting pot of personalities and politics and money and_ power_ all working together to ruin every single person who walks in through the doors in some way or other. 

"Oh trust me," Seb snorts to himself as he finishes writing, "if you think I'm fearless and ruthless, just wait until you meet Charles."

The gold wedding band glints on his finger.

"Lord have mercy," Kimi deadpans.

He hopes he never has to meet Seb's husband. 

-

Kimi is there when Seb finally buys a house of his own in Italy. A charming old palazzo in Sorrento with an underground garage and an overrun garden.

Kimi jokes that there may be wild boars still living in the bushes and long grass and Seb just laughs.

He seems more delighted by the idea than he should be. Jesus Christ. 

Kimi privately hires a gardener to tidy it up a bit and has someone check the garden for any remaining inhabitants anyway.

The house is nice, tasteful but undoubtedly beautiful. With creamy walls and three floors. It's north-facing and situated halfway up a quiet hill away from the busiest part of Sorrento.

(Kimi has asked Seb why he didn't want to live closer to Naples. Closer to_ la officina_.)

(Seb had just smiled and said that he was happy with this house.)

So Kimi oversees the signing over of the property rights.

Oversees the purchase of furniture and Seb's move.

He's there when the _Turchese Duchessa_ is christened.

When Seb walks through the light-flooded, still half-empty, rooms of the house with a small smile gracing his lips. Kimi follows a metre or two behind him and watches as Seb crouches down in the kitchen and brush some dust off a tile.

"I want to preserve these, have them restored if necessary," he murmurs.

"That's going to cost a fucking fortune," Kimi warns him.

It'll also take ages.

_Italians_.

Seb insists, "I don't care," some steel peeking through in his voice, "I like these tiles."

Kimi sighs internally.

There's a small smile tugging at Seb's lips the next time Kimi looks over.

"They're gorgeous, don't you think?" he asks, peering at Kimi over his shoulder.

Kimi sighs but he crouches down next to him to examine the tiles, "I guess they're ok."

They're covered in a striking turquoise print. Kimi has never seen a kitchen with turquoise tiles on the floors but then and again, no one could ever accuse Seb of having good taste. 

Seb laughs loud and shameless, "we'll make an _arbiter of taste_ out of you yet, Kimi," he promises.

Laughter evident in those bright eyes of his.

Kimi doesn't reply. Just ducks his head with a small smile of his own playing at his lips.

-

The Seb flies home and Kimi realises that,

_Oh yeah, _

_Seb is married_.

Kimi has lived a life crammed full of inconvenient realisations.

Inconvenient disappointments. 

But,

He decides, this just might be the most inconvenient.

(The cruelest.)

-

Kimi goes about his life and does his job and waits for Seb to finish up with his nice little family and fly back to Italy.

-

They spend so many late nights just camped out in Seb's sparsely furnished living room.

Drinking.

Bottle after bottle of red wine.

Talking too.

Laughter and loud debates bouncing off of the creamy walls. 

Sometimes they talk about work and how ridiculous and not at all like _the Godfather _it all is.

Other times they rant tipsily about the elaborate machinations and the brutal politics and then they realise that it is almost _exactly like the Godfather. _

Then they drink more wine and laugh some more. 

But,

It's nice, having someone to talk to like this. Someone who laughs at Kimi's jokes and trusts him not to stab him in the dark.

Someone who Kimi can trust won't stab him in the dark either.

They talk about a lot of things.

It's on one of these occasions that Seb confides in Kimi that he is thinking about throwing his hat in the ring in the next high council elections.

He's frowning and waving his bottle around as he complains about the way Giancarlo and Federico want to run things.

How they're _fucking it all up_, and how _they can't help it, but they're just so Italian_.

And Kimi realises that he wants to kiss him at exactly the same moment that he realises that he never will be allowed.

Kimi has lived a pretty cruel life. But this moment feels particularly cruel.

Realising you want something at the exact moment that you realise you're not allowed it.

There's a ring on Seb's finger but, ironically, that's not the important part. The deal-breaker.

A ring doesn't have to mean much in their world.

(It does to Seb though.)

(And Kimi doesn't know if that makes him love him or hate him more.)

The ring isn't really the problem.

The problem is the faraway look Seb gets in his eyes when he talks about his husband.

So Kimi bites his tongue and advises Seb that if he puts his name into the mix who is likely to back him and who will need some more work.

-

Giancarlo inclines his head, "you know, he's not going to fuck you just because you protect him," he says archly.

Kimi tries not to let it show how close to home Giancarlo has struck, "he's not going to fail just because you don't like him," he counters.

They stare at each other for a few beats.

Then Giancarlo surprises Kimi by chuckling.

_Tiredly_ but a laugh nonetheless.

Kimi thinks he can count on one hand how many times he's seen Giancarlo laugh. Most of them involve someone getting disemboweled. 

"It seems we have both met our respective irresistible forces and immovable objects?" Giancarlo remarks drily.

That makes Kimi laugh too.

He's not wrong.

"He prefers to just be called, Seb," he snorts.

That manages to startle another small laugh out of Giancarlo.

-

Seb is distracted these days.

Now that he's thrown his hat in the ring. He's declared himself to be a bonafide threat now.

People are sniffing around for any weakness.

Anything they can exploit.

Seb is a lot more distracted. Frowning, golden brows furrowed, and twisting that golden band on his finger while he thinks.

That rings that seems to mock Kimi every time his gaze sweeps over it. Every time it catches the light.

They don't drink wine together as often these days. They still do.

(There are few other ways to cope with _la officina _that don't involve wine.)

But they don't do it as often.

There's too much at stake to get drunk in a house tucked up in the hills of Sorrento. They can't just roll into _la officina _hungover the next morning now.

There are plans to devise and then to put into motion.

There are enemies lurking in every corner and if they want to pull this off-

_To survive this_

-they need their wits about them.

And more hours in a day too.

But the latter is unlikely, so they settle for drinking less and trying valiantly to keep their wits about them.

"Can I ask a favour, Kimi?" Seb looks up.

Sets those blue eyes on Kimi and it's so fucking unfair.

Kimi is incapable of saying _no_.

"What do you need?"

Seb stares down at his ring.

(That fucking gold ring.)

And Kimi has an idea of what he's going to ask even before he opens his mouth.

"Can you keep an eye on Charles?"

And Kimi should say _no._

Should say_, fuck no_.

But this is _Seb_ so Kimi says_, sure thing_.

And Kimi flies to America and drives to the beautiful mansion tucked into the end of an oak-lined cul de sac.

He tries so badly not to hate everything about it on sight. The neat garden and the little welcome mat.

He parks his car in the driveway and settles back.

He's never met Charles but Seb has told him enough about his husband that Kimi almost feels like he's known him for years even without ever meeting him in person.

He's doing okay on the whole _trying-not-to-choke-on-how-much-he-hates-everything _until Charles-

_Seb has shown him pictures_

_Fucking-_

_**A lot** of pictures_

_So Kimi **knows** it's Charles_

-Steps out of the house in a frilly dress and little satin sling-back heels.

He narrows his eyes at Kimi's car parked in the driveway and crosses his arms, doesn't look frightened or even _concerned._

_Seb was right- he's probably _ ** _insane_ ** _._

"Can I help you?" he asks icily and funnily enough-

Kimi is kind of delighted.

Charles is a _bitch_.

Where Seb tries to disguise his bastardry under an amiable façade, Charles makes no such effort. He's all sharp edges and pursed lips, and designer high heels.

Sharp angles of his heels and tightly cinched waists. 

Which is to say,

He's much easier to make an enemy out of.

(Much easier to dislike.)

He sharp and pretty and_ mean_. Kimi can tell. 

"I'm sorry, I'm here on your husband's instruction to make sure you stay at home."

Charles' expression is incredulous, he stomps back into the house and when he reappears he's barking into his phone, "why am I being prevented from leaving the house by some sort of _Nordic Terminator-Ken Doll_, Seb?"

Kimi bites the inside of his cheek to prevent himself from laughing.

He can hear Seb's cheerful chirp.

Charles just rolls his eyes, _"Kimi-or_ whatever his name is needs to move or I'm going to be late for my nail appointment."

_A nail appointment_.

Kimi couldn't make this shit up.

Seb must explain something because the next thing he knows, Charles huffs, "and you think _I'm_ in danger?"

By now Charles has stalked back within hearing distance and Kimi can just about make out Seb's next words.

_"I think I would be a fool to not exercise extra caution when it comes to my most precious treasure."_

Charles ducks his head a little but he is resolute.

“That was suitably touching," he doesn't look at Kimi, "but I would like to be able to move around the neighborhood freely."

Kimi decides now would be a good moment to intervene, he extends a hand, palm up.

Silently asking for the phone.

Charles eyes his hand and then Kimi with clear distrust.

Kimi maintains a bland expression.

Charles presses a hand over the mouthpiece of his phone, "if you crush my phone in your hand or some Terminator shit like that I will have you killed on the spot," he warns.

Some muffled laughter emanates from the phone.

Kimi's mouth twitches.

_God,_

_He's such an infuriating little bitch._

But Charles reluctantly surrenders the phone and Kimi presses it to his ear, "Seb," he greets.

He talks with Seb, hyper-aware of the way that Charles is eyeing him suspiciously. 

Later when he has to forcibly stop Charles from driving to his nail appointment, Kimi can't deny the little curl of satisfaction at the pure unadulterated hatred in Charles' eyes.

Good.

_Someone_ should consider Kimi a threat.

Three weeks later Seb ascends the highest command of_ la officina_. 

His first act of business is appointing Kimi his personal advisor.

He also has Kimi send flowers to the house. 

-

With Seb's ascension to the highest command comes a more involved role for Kimi.

Sometimes he catches Federico's eye in the hallways of_ la officina_ and the seething fury in those eyes.

It's nice.

Seb will gesture for Kimi to join him at the head of a table and stop a meeting to hear his opinion.

It's really fucking nice.

Unfortunately, it also means he has to accompany Seb on a fair few of his family holidays too. 

Stands a silent sentinel on the edge of an empty beach while Seb naps under a brightly coloured beach umbrella and Charles carries baby Collette down to the shoreline in a dusty pink sundress.

And yeah-

Kimi can maybe see some of the appeal.

Of Charles.

(He's not the only one.)

(He knows there are a fair few in the employment of the company who are all too aware of just how alluring their boss' husband is.)

But Kimi was never one of them.

Until now.

Now he can kind of see where they're coming from.

There's a lovely softness. A prettiness that Kimi has only ever seen and never known.

Something from oil paintings and watercolours renderings.

Something Kimi has only ever pressed his calloused fingers up against.

Kimi has never been allowed _softness_ and _prettiness_ and he's never felt the absence of the _choice_ so keenly until now. Watching Charles point to little boats bobbing on the horizon to little baby Collette with pale pink manicured fingers.

The fabric of his full skirt fluttering in the soft, salty sea breeze.

Little Henry is wrapped in Seb's arms, dozing softly with his father in the shade.

Kimi feels like he's looking in on a painting, a picture, something that shouldn't exist in the real world.

Someone taps him on the shoulder.

Kimi tears his gaze from the family.

It's one of the older guys.

He's smiling apologetically, "sorry Kimi, this is Antonio," a fucking _doe-eyed _lanky slip of a thing shuffles into view, "he's new."

Kimi regards him.

Yeah,

He _looks_ new.

He looks like someone took the plastic packaging off him earlier that morning and loaded him into one of the dark company cars.

"I figured the easiest way for him to learn the ropes was just to shadow you for the day."

What he doesn't say is that it also means less work for everyone else. 

Kimi doesn't mind though, he's just following the security detail today and answering calls. He shrugs, "sure."

He extends a hand to the man, carefully cataloging the way he ducks his head but then seems to change his mind and meets Kimi's eyes.

Antonio grips his hand in a firm-ish grip and his palms are soft.

"Nice to meet you, Kimi."

If Charles is a watercolour of a French garden in full bloom then Antonio is an oil painting of the sun-drenched wheat fields.

-

Kimi sits next to Charles in the waiting room of the police station as the carabinieri finish up with Seb.

And then as they let the local polizia have their go with him.

All in all, they spend almost a whole day sitting in that waiting room.

Kimi picked Charles up from the airport and drove him here. They exchanged maybe ten words over that journey.

("Hello, Charles.")

("Thanks for the-")

("Yeah, no problem.")

("... Is he?")

("Yeah, he's fine-")

("Thank fuck.")

Kimi notes with some interest that Charles hasn't cried once. Not at the airport, not when Kimi dropped his bags off at Kimi's own house.

Not when they arrived at the police station.

Not when they were told they'd need to wait at least five hours until they could see Seb.

Not once.

Kimi has been around a lot of mob wives. They tend to cry a lot.

They're terrifying and armed and their mascara _never runs._

But they cry.

Charles, on the other hand, does not cry.

He sits with his legs crossed and back straight. Dressed in his tasteful scoop neck dress with his gold Chanel earrings.

Jaw clenched as he pointedly ignores the way a few of the police officers are openly leering at him. Staring at his slim ankles and sharp collar bones.

One of them is smirking as his eyes trace the curve of his ass.

Charles keeps staring stubbornly at the door to the interview room they're keeping Seb in.

Kimi coughs loudly and shifts in his seat and the nearest police officer straightens up a bit.

Charles' lip twitches slightly but he doesn't thank Kimi.

The door opens and Kimi and Charles both stand up at the same time.

Seb ambles out, flanked by three police officers, casual as anything. Hands shoved in his trouser pockets.

Kimi can feel Charles' thrumming with relief and anger beside him. He lets Charles fling himself at Seb and nods at the officer who directs him to sign off on some final bits of paperwork.

The last thing he sees is Seb taking those hands of his out of his pockets and resting them on Charles' little waist while Charles presses their foreheads together.

_"You idiot, how could you?"_ he can just make out Charles whispering.

_"I'm so sorry, my love,"_ Seb replies and his eyes are just _different _when he looks at Charles. It hurts in a dull kind of way. 

The police officer overseeing the handoff nods in their direction, "_newlyweds?_"

Kimi chokes on an incredulous laugh, "no," he shakes his head as he flips the page to find where he needs to sign.

Kimi drives Charles and Seb back to his apartment to wash up and prepare for the flight back home.

The unspoken decision was that it would be best to not piss off the Italian authorities for a little while.

Seb can lay low and go _play house_ until this blows over and Kimi will hold down the fort.

It's dead silent in the car and Kimi has an awful feeling that it's for his benefit more than anything.

_Maybe Charles will always be able to make Kimi feel like a spectator in his own life,_ he thinks to himself. 

He unlocks the door to his house and awkwardly gestures for them to, "make yourselves at home."

Not ten seconds later Charles is turning to Seb, "_a word, Sebastian_," his tone is icy but he's visibly thrumming with anger.

With something else too probably, Kimi thinks, what with how he's gripping Seb's arm and his dark expression.

Seb nods faintly and Charles tugs Seb towards the direction of the guest bedroom and-

And Kimi is no idiot.

He calls out that they're free to use the en suite bathroom but they've already disappeared into the room.

They've started yelling by the time Kimi retreats to the kitchen to pop the kettle on, he can hear the muffled sounds of people trying to keep their voices down through the walls.

He makes a cup of peppermint tea in the kitchen once the rhythmic thumping begins.

He opens the window and lights a cigarette when he starts to hear-

_Other sounds._

A little while later he hears the sound of the shower taps being turned on, some chatter and more muffled laughter.

When Seb hugs him at the airport, flanked by his personal security team, he smells like Kimi's shower gel.

It's such a cruel taunt and Kimi can't even say anything.

"Thank you, Kimi," Seb murmurs, "what would I do without you?"

"Die in a gutter," Kimi replies without hesitation.

Seb laughs and claps him on the back and his expression is soft, "you're probably right."

_I don't want to be right_, Kimi doesn't say, _I want _**_you_**_._

Over his shoulder, Charles is on the phone and frowning.

Kimi can see two neat pink marks on his neck.

"Safe flight, Seb," Kimi says.

Seb hugs him again and Kimi breathes through his mouth so he doesn't have to smell himself on Seb's skin.

-

And then they go back to the practiced routine.

He helps Seb for a few weeks, then Seb goes home for a few weeks.

He comes back, Kimi brings wine round to the house and they drink it in Seb's living room.

Sometimes Kimi shoots someone on a wharf.

Sometimes in an alleyway.

Sometimes Kimi lets someone else shoot them.

And then Seb flies back home.

Nothing has changed but Kimi feels like something fundamental has shifted. The very ground beneath his feet, his polished leather shoes, feels different.

He takes to trying to help Antonio not get killed. It's not too bad.

Antonio is quiet like Kimi but in a way that Kimi knows he never stops thinking. The way he will sometimes stare out a window with a little furrow in his brow makes Kimi worry sometimes.

That there is something soft and vulnerable inside his chest where Kimi knows _hollowness_ is always safest.

Seb's eyes were bright with curiosity, but they were always calculating-

Searching for ways to exploit weakness, to bleed an opportunity dry.

Antonio's eyes seem to be constantly searching, sifting through the bric-a-brac of their lives, to find _a way out. _

He also doesn't miss the way Antonio watches him.

Sometimes unsure and afraid.

Other times soft and trusting.

And other times?

Hungry.

But Kimi has a hollow chest and all that's good for is letting people shelter there for the duration of the storm-

_And Seb has the biggest office in la officina and the last word on every decision_

_He has weathered his storm in the spaces between Kimi's ribs_

-and then leave the nest.

So Kimi focusses on keeping Antonio from getting killed.

-

Seb flies back home for Christmas with his family.

Kimi works because _someone_ has to

Though it's not like he has anything better to do. He doesn't mind.

_La Officina _is mostly empty by the time he arrives. He doesn't anticipate a particularly eventful evening. He's got two paperbacks in the glovebox of his car.

That's how confident he is that there will be_ fuck all_ to do.

It would take a particularly fucked up asshole to attack their headquarters on _Christmas Eve._

(And they certainly wouldn't be _Italian_.)

(And the company doesn't really pick fights with anyone outside of other Italians.)

(So Kimi thinks they'll be fine.)

He unlocks the main door and relieves Antonio from his shift.

"You're not spending Christmas with your family?" he asks.

"No," Antonio tries to shrug like he doesn't care but Kimi can tell that it bothers him a little, "they're visiting my grandparents."

Kimi feels bad, that Antonio thinks he needs to act cool and indifferent in front of him. That something about Kimi makes people think they have to have their guard up. 

He takes pity on him.

Nothing's going to happen here anyway.

"Did you want to have a drink?" he asks.

Antonio frowns but he doesn't decline the offer.

Kimi shows him the cellar. How to jimmy the lock and how to steal bottles of red wine from the back of the crates so no one will notice.

Antonio watches entranced, "won't someone find out?"

Kimi wants to laugh, Antonio sounds like a school kid cutting his very first class.

For someone in the business of criminality, Antonio's moral compass seemed to be firmly calibrated to morality.

Kimi shrugs, "no one has ever stopped me before," but he adds, "I don't take the most expensive vintages."

He gestures for Antonio to come closer and shows him how to pull on the latch.

Then they carry bottles of wine up onto the roof and proceed to get shamefully drunk on Christmas Eve. 

After the first bottle of wine, Antonio starts to loosen up, his eyes stop darting nervously around as if they'll be found out at any moment.

Kimi is an old hand by now, he knows that no one comes onto the roof.

He nudges Antonio into conversation and is delighted to find out that Antonio is a lot more talkative when he's slightly tipsy.

It's incredibly charming.

He talks about his entire family and how he thinks the man selling him seafood is ripping him off.

But then he backtracks because, _his daughter is going through chemotherapy, he can smell the hospital on him so it's not a big deal. Antonio doesn't mind spending a couple euro extra for his marinara mix_.

There's so much warmth and life and a gentle appreciation for every single person in his life. It's amazing.

Kimi wonders how he fits so much warmth and kindness in his body-

Wonders what Antonio thinks about _him_.

What strange little quirks of his have been immortalised inside that gentle mind.

Kimi doesn't know why but he suddenly decides he wants to kiss Antonio and then the next minute he's pressed his lips to Antonio's.

To be fair, Antonio kisses back almost immediately and with great enthusiasm.

Antonio tastes sweet, like wine and honey, and something so frighteningly unfamiliar.

He tastes sweeter than Seb probably would have and Kimi doesn't know what to do with that piece of information.

So he keeps chasing that taste, that unique sweetness, until Antonio is gasping and scrabbling at Kimi's belt buckle. Earlier shyness seemingly all but gone.

And then there's really no room inside Kimi's head for rational thought of any kind.

-

A few weeks later Seb flies back and Kimi can't help being swept up in it all again.

Seb laughs and smiles and there is steel and flint in his eyes but none of it weighs him down.

Kimi can't help being drawn back into that hypnotic gravitational pull. Laughing like he too can afford to.

"Falling in love with your boss is pretty stupid," Antonio says pointedly as he absentmindedly turns his handgun over in his hands.

Spindly fingers running across the surface and pressing into the little grooves and notches.

It's not very nice but Kimi can't help arching a brow as if to say, _really now?_

Then and again,

Kimi isn't very nice.

Antonio ducks his head, "shut up."

"Didn't say anything," Kimi says around his cigarette. "And I'm not in love with Seb," he adds as an afterthought.

It feels important to clarify.

It's Antonio's turn to throw him a look.

Fair.

Kimi is maybe in love with Seb.

But Seb is in love with his husband.

(Or maybe he's under a spell.)

A blind man in a coma could see it.

There is nothing in Heaven or Hell that could tear Seb from his husband.

(Much less something or someone bound to the Earth.)

Kimi is in love with him but it's okay.

Kimi has dealt with a lot of disappointment in his life. This is nothing in the grand scheme of things.

Just another little pebble in his shoe.

He'll deal with it.

-

Kimi is coming back from a job, has just parked his car in the garage when he strolls back into _la officina._

Antonio is sitting at one of the desks in the front room and Kimi can hear yelling upstairs.

Loud dull thumps too. _Someone is banging their fists on a table,_ Kimi realises.

He can just make out the sound of Giancarlo hoarsely shouting, "Bastardi- _bastardi!_"

For a moment he allows himself a faint smirk, maybe someone has pissed off the old dog.

"What's going on," he asks Antonio.

Antonio stares at Kimi and opens his mouth, closes it. His hands are clenched in fists.

He swallows and Kimi is immediately on edge.

He runs through all the possibilities and then freezes-

_He should have noticed it._

He should have-

_Seb's car isn't parked out front like it normally is. _

Kimi feels ice in his veins, "is Seb back from his meeting with the D'Angelos?"

It's a few hours after midday, the sun is warm and it floods into the room from the big windows overlooking the courtyard.

But Kimi can't feel anything at all.

Antonio blinks and opens his mouth but nothing comes out.

Somehow that's what confirms everything. The way he almost can't bear to tell Kimi.

"No," Kimi barks and sweeps out of the room, "_no_."

"Kimi," Antoni finally says, pleading as he follows him into the courtyard.

Kimi keeps walking until he comes up to a brick wall, green leafy vines climbing up the face.

"_No._"

He doesn't cry but he lets Antonio wrap his arms around him as his mind blanks.

Seb is-

He can't-

"Kimi," Antonio is murmuring, "_Kimi,_" his hands rubbing soothing circles his back.

He smells like lemons and something sweet. Honeysuckle.

Kimi lets himself lean into Antonio. Let's himself collapse in on himself a little.

_Just for a few seconds._

They stand there for a while.

"Did you need to go do any work?" he croaks out, aware that he's effectively dragged Antonio away from his station.

"Fuck that," Antonio shrugs as he retrieves a small packet of tissues from a pocket inside his jacket.

It makes Kimi smile a little, there are little pink cherry blossoms on the plastic packaging, he can picture with perfect clarity, Antonio in the supermarket.

Choosing this particular packet because of the design-

And then the stabbing pain in his chest returns.

Antonio proceeds to gently use the tissues, presses them carefully to Kimi's cheeks, wiping away tears that Kimi hadn't even realised he'd been steadily shedding.

Kimi stands there silently through it all.

There are a few points where Antonio opens his mouth and then closes it immediately, Kimi can tell he's almost going to say, _it's going to be okay_, but bites his tongue at the last minute.

He appreciates it.

Seb is dead.

It's not going to be okay.

Kimi will _cope_, he always does, but it will not be okay again.

Fuck-

Kimi realises-

_Fuck_.

He pulls his phone out of a pocket and dials a number before he can talk himself out of it.

The call connects after two rings and Kimi thinks he's going to be ill. Antonio moves to give him some privacy but Kimi uses his other hand to grip Antonio's wrist.

To keep him there.

He can't think properly, he doesn't know what to do, but he knows that he needs Antonio here.

To his credit, Antonio doesn't flinch or startle, just stays put. Manoeuvres Kimi's grip so that he hand tangle their fingers and give Kimi's hand a reassuring squeeze. 

Kimi blinks slowly and tries to compose himself. 

Kimi opens his mouth and his voice sounds rusty and unfamiliar to his own ears, "_Charles, we- we need to speak..."_

-

It's surreal watching Charles navigate the rooms of the _Turchese Duchessa_.

Kimi has Leon gurgling cheerfully in his arms but his eyes are trained on Charles.

The faraway expression in his eyes as he presses his fingertips to the wallpaper and murmurs under his breath.

It feels almost like when Seb first moved in, no doubt helped along by the fact that Seb never really fully committed to furnishing the house.

Some of the many rooms are frighteningly bare.

Maybe it's fitting, that Charles is moving into what feels like a haunted house. 

Henry and Collette, at least, are unconcerned for the time being. They are yelping and giggling as they race through the house.

Charles just keeps gliding from room to room like he's in a trance. When he finally reaches the kitchen and crouches down to brush his fingers across the brilliant turquoise patterned tiles, Kimi feels that stabbing in his chest again.

"_Stunning_," Charles mumbles, fingers tracing almost reverently over the intricate patterns.

"Seb had them restored when he first moved in," Kimi explains, for lack of anything else to say, "cost a fucking fortune and took fucking forever," he adds, "but he insisted."

He doesn't know what he's telling Charles but then and again, Kimi has so many of these stupid little memories- these inconsequential _details_ \- of Seb and ironically-

Charles may be the only person on the planet who would appreciate them.

Charles smiles ruefully down at the glossy tiles, "my husband was a very particular man."

_I know_, Kimi doesn't say.

Kimi lets Leon play with his hair, "Seb had the mansion named after those tiles," he informs Charles, "among other things."

Charles stands, dusting off his skirt, "what is this place called?"

"The _Turchese Duchessa,_" Kimi supplies.

Charles blinks and Kimi can pinpoint almost a hundred expressions as they flash across his features, "he always loved a _good name_," Charles murmurs but it sounds a little choked.

Kimi doesn't comment on it.

He follows silently behind Charles as he climbs the stairs to the master bedroom.

Kimi remembers helping Seb direct the movers to fit the bed through the french windows.

He hangs back as Charles opens the door to the room and visibly fights back tears as the trapped scent of _Seb _floods their noses. Even Leon seems to perk up in Kimi's arms, fidgeting to get a closer look inside the room.

"No one has been inside here since- well," he tries to phrase it delicately but there are some things that just can't be denied, "since, _you know_."

Charles nods numbly.

Kimi has never lost a husband-

Has never _had _a husband

-he can't even begin to imagine what it feels like.

He's read about people who have had amputations, about phantom limb syndrome.

But looking at Charles and how he seems to be breathing in and out so deliberately slowly? Like his lungs are in so much screaming pain-

_His heart_

_-_That he can't even _breathe_ properly? 

Kimi would humbly propose that losing a husband is probably worse than losing an arm or leg.

He lost his friend- the biggest _almost_ of his life and he's a wreck under it all.

Just barely holding it together.

He and Seb built a criminal empire but Charles and Seb built a _family_ and a _marriage_.

He can't imagine what Charles is feeling.

But Kimi only knows criminal empires- he doesn't really know _family _and certainly not _marriage_.

"He left me instructions," Kimi says, "in case he ever- in case-_ you know."_

Charles blinks.

"There's a box in there," Kimi continues, jutting his chin in the direction of the large cherry wood closet, "it's for you."

And Kimi tries not to laugh when the words leave his mouth because-

Yeah,

_It's for you_.

It's always been for _Charles_.

Everything Seb has done-

_Seb _himself, has always been-

For Charles.

Charles quietly moves to the closet. Opens the doors and locates the brown cardboard box.

Kimi watches silently as Charles opens the box and quietly starts sorting through the contents.

He wonders if it would be insensitive to tell him, _that feeling of your ribcage being ripped open?_

_A cavity in your chest gaping and burning?_

_I know how you feel._

_I feel it too._

Charles' shoulders are shaking slightly and Kimi may be an asshole who was in love with Charles' husband but he's a decent enough human to know when he needs some privacy.

"I'll go check on the kids," and leaves Charles in the bedroom that smells so viscerally like the man they are both mourning.

He takes a second in the hallway to compose himself. He's taking a deep breath when suddenly two little hands are pressed against his cheeks.

He meets two green eyes.

Leon is staring solemnly at him.

And it's ridiculous, the kids are _adopted_, he knows this.

But Leon looks _so much_ like Seb in that moment, solemn and earnest and-

_And that Seb can leave such an indelible mark on a child who is not his flesh and blood-_

_On a sparsely furnished house in Sorrento-_

_On a man like Charles who looks like he would spit fire and venom if biology would allow him-_

_On a man like Kimi with ice in his veins and something dead in his chest-_

-It's so breathtakingly remarkable.

That Kimi told him all about the shitty plumbing in his house but never told Seb how much he changed his life.

Well, that just feels unfair.

He stares back into Leon's green eyes and says, "I'm sorry."

Leon presses their foreheads together and Kimi thinks that his whole life can maybe be summed up as,

As a series of small regrets all strung together with a very big one.

-

Charles sweeps into _la officina_ like a veritable force of nature. One dressed in silk and a lace veil obscuring his face.

He takes no prisoners and extends no benefit of doubt. In short-

He is alluring and terrifying, _in equal parts._

He strides into _la officina _with his metaphorical nails sharpened and a few small knives stowed underneath layers of silk and heavy French lace.

Antonio mouths, _really_, when Charles can't see. _Is he serious?_

Kimi shrugs. Antonio shakes his head incredulously.

_Yeah_, Kimi thinks privately to himself, _Charles is deadly serious. _

_This is a game for fools and clowns who fear conceding power more than death-_

_And Charles intends to win it. _

Though,

On second thought, Kimi decides he might like it, that Charles is just as fearless as Seb but a whole lot less wide-eyed about it.

That Seb carried violence like a velvet undercurrent in his voice, but Charles delivers it with every snap and click of a pointed heel.

Doesn't bother hiding his dangerousness like Seb did.

It's refreshing.

He's a terrifying monster of a completely different kind.

-

Kimi doesn't know why he agrees to go grocery shopping with Charles and the kids. The weekends are his days off.

It's not like he wants to spend his precious few days off traipsing after Charles as he explains every little piece of produce to his children.

At one point Henry looks like he wants to ask if they can go home.

Kimi knows enough about Charles to know that a nagging child will do little good for Charles' already frayed nerves.

"You hungry?" he asks Henry.

Henry shrugs.

He's probably not that hungry but he's a little boy. He's not going to say no to some food.

"I'll show you my favourite thing in the market," Kimi doesn't do anything patronising like grab his hand but he turns to start walking and knows the little boy will follow him.

And true to his word,

The next time Kimi turns around, Henry is next to him, trying to keep up with Kimi's long strides.

He slows down a fraction.

"What are we eating?" Henry asks.

Kimi smiles a little, "fruit," he says simply as they weave between stalls and other shoppers going about their day.

Henry frowns as they walk past another cake stall.

"Trust me," Kimi says and the moment he says the words he feels silly.

Kimi knows all too well how empty those words are. How foolish a man has to be to trust someone based only on their word.

But Henry is a boy-

A boy who just lost his father and he nods quietly.

Kimi stops in front of his preferred fruit stall, the man inside, Stefano, knows Kimi. Kimi points to the fruits in question and asks Stefano to choose eight or nine of the freshest.

And to rinse and dry them before he packs them into a bag.

Stefano nods and asks Kimi about work.

Kimi lies about some customers who are giving him some grief and he doesn't even realise that he's switched to Italian until he turns and sees Henry watching him with wide eyes.

He nudges the boy and they find a quiet spot outside. Kimi reaches into the bag and hands him one of the golden Saturn peaches.

Henry's qualms about not getting any sugary baked goods melt away as his eyes widen.

He accepts the fruit with the awe of a historian unearthing dinosaur bones.

"What are these?" he asks breathlessly.

"_Pesca tabacchiera_," Kimi translates.

Henry tries the words out in his little mouth, the letters form clumsily but it reminds Kimi of when Seb was still learning Italian.

If he's anything like his father, then Henry will probably be fluent by the end of the year.

Kimi retrieves a peach for himself and takes a loud bite out of it, it must startle Henry out of his reverie because he happily takes his own bite.

"These are so cool," Henry gushes, face bright with delight as he turns the half-eaten fruit in his hand, "I've never seen one before!"

"These are my favourite fruits and only a few of the stalls in the market sell them."

The cost a relative fortune but Kimi can afford it.

What can he say,

Crime pays well.

Plus, he doesn't think he needs to tell Henry any of this. Charles is wearing Christian Louboutins to buy groceries at the local market.

"When I was your age I thought they looked like someone took a normal peach and sat on them," Kimi explains.

Henry bursts into laughter and Kimi lets himself smile too.

"You're right! That's exactly what they look like," Henry exclaims between laughs. 

Henry reminds Kimi of Seb

If Collette is Charles'-

_Down to her shrewd eyes, the delicate way she holds herself, and refusal to adjust her standards_

-then Henry is certainly_ Seb's_.

Down to his wide-eyed wonder about everything and his dogged loyalty to his family.

It makes something in Kimi's chest hurt. That he can't just walk into Seb's office and tell him, "your son is so much like you it's crazy."

("He reminds me of you when you first joined the company.")

("He laughed about the peaches too.")

("I miss you.")

("I-")

"There you are," Charles appears and he looks so frazzled that Kimi almost feels bad.

But instead of a sharp look, there is only relief in his eyes when he looks up at Kimi.

Kimi tries to school his expression into something less revealing as Henry excitedly shows Collette the peaches and presses one into Charles' hand.

_I couldn't keep Seb alive_, Kimi thinks bitterly to himself, _but I'll keep his family alive._

_I'll protect your children._

He watches as Charles stares down at the strangely shaped fruit in his palm.

He blinks and Kimi is struck by the way that every line of his face and body seems to be seeped in a quiet sadness and heartbreak.

Quiet but noble.

And Kimi may not like Charles but he admires him.

That he can still find the strength every morning to keep going despite it all. 

_I'll protect your children, Seb._

_And Charles too I suppose, _Kimi adds as an afterthought.

-

In a way, it's fun-

Probably speaks volumes about how little Kimi cares for his colleagues that he can enjoy this

-watching all the others in _la officina _quietly lose their minds when Charles refuses to do things the way they want him to.

How he will stare at them from his spot, perched daintily in Seb's old seat, and unflinchingly tell them how wrong they all are.

(And in excruciating detail.)

It's refreshing.

And indescribably fun.

(Cathartic.)

He watches as Charles makes a point of stalking into _la officina _in brutally tailored pencil skirts and silky blouses and the highest of heels.

The authoritative _tap tap tap_ of his heels becomes a familiar sound in the hallways.

Sometimes he catches Charles smirking to himself when he thinks the others aren't looking.

Kimi arches a brow in a wordless question and Charles just affects an innocent look and flutters his eyelashes.

He really shouldn't find it all as amusing as he does-

But he does.

"He's insane," Antonio says over lunch.

Kimi doesn't mention how he thinks Charles may spin out of control, may be doing so as they speak, and no one will notice until he spins so completely out of control that he takes everyone else down with him.

Maybe this was his and Seb's marriage.

Two forces of nature circling and locked in an orbit.

And now,

Without Seb,

Charles is trapped in an unbalanced orbit. Spinning wildly until he eventually hits something hard enough to break his momentum. 

"Seb was insane too," Kimi allows.

Antonio presses his lips together but Kimi nudges him a little and he rolls his eyes.

"Insane is all good and fine until the people in the middle get caught up in it," he murmurs.

And Kimi wonders why Antonio sticks around.

He can't imagine why he would choose this life if he has an aversion to chaos.

Giancarlo threatens to shoot them all roughly once a day.

"You think I'd let Charles send you into a dogfight just so he can prove a point?" Kimi asks instead.

Antonio stares at him for a few seconds and then laughs a little incredulously to himself.

"No," he says softly, "of course you wouldn't"

And that's that.

"_Exactly_," Kimi mumbles as he takes a bite out of his panini, "so just enjoy the chaos."

-

They're on the roof of _la officina _with a bottle of wine and far less dignity than they had at the start of the day.

_La officina _does that to a person though.

Charles is staring up at the sky with his legs hugged to his chest. His wedding ring is glinting in the moonlight.

Tiny little diamond like a piece of the moon itself perched on his finger.

Kimi remembers the giant diamond that he used to wear. The one that was the size of a fat grape.

The one that would draw the eye of everyone in a room.

This one draws eyes too but for different reasons.

Federico stares at it like it's a riddle, a mind game of some sort.

But Kimi has also been drowning in a heartbreak of a kind too for the past few months so he thinks he might be in a better position than Federico to understand.

And when Charles asks, "were you fucking my husband, Kimi."

It's easy to tell the truth and say, _no._

But then Charles asks if he_ wanted to fuck him. _

Then Kimi lies and says he wouldn’t have wanted to fuck Seb.

He doesn't feel too bad about lying. It doesn't really matter, he rationalises.

Seb would never have slept with him anyway

For all that Kimi thinks Charles would burn the world to ash and cinder for just a tiny speck more of power, for a _laugh,_ he also has a feeling that he would give it all up just to have Seb back.

It's terrifying and unhinged and maybe just a little bit admirable.

(Romantic)

And to inspire loyalty like that in a man like Charles?

Yeah-

That sounds like Seb.

And when Charles says he misses Seb multiple times a day but _by god_, did he wish Seb was here right now anyway?

Yeah.

Kimi who has been paddling in his own endless ocean of grief for months-

He knows what he means.

He agrees quietly.

-

Kimi ventures out on Saturday to buy some fresh bread.

He has some time today, no other errands to run, so he ventures out to the bakery a little further away.

He's thinking about loaves of earthy rye studded with sunflower seeds when he spots him.

Antonio is jogging, head down with earbuds in.

It's almost surreal seeing him in the street as if they're just two regular people.

Just another local in leggings and a racerback, hair swept into a nubbly little ponytail. 

He looks so normal.

Kimi wonders what music he's listening to.

He looks exactly as soft and harmless as Kimi has observed him to be.

Antonio looks up and makes eye-contact with Kimi, he raises a hand in an aborted hello.

Kimi waves awkwardly back and before he can stop himself he's ambling over.

"Hi."

Antonio pulls an earbud out of an ear, "hello, Kimi."

"Are you jogging?" he asks and immediately wants to stab himself.

_Of course he's jogging._

Kimi doesn't know why he suddenly unable to carry a conversation properly.

Sure,

He was never one to be accused of excessive verbosity.

But that was out of choice.

Not _necessity_-

Kimi knows _how _to hold a conversation.

Or more accurately-

He usually does.

"Yeah," Antonio nods, small smile gracing his lips, "the weather's not shit."

Kimi feels like he's being teased.

"Are you just walking, Kimi?"

Yeah,

Antonio is definitely teasing him.

"I'm buying some bread," Kimi tries to claw back some decorum.

Around them people are still going about their day. Sitting in wicker chairs outside of cafes and strolling hand in hand with friends and loved ones.

Kimi doesn't really have any friends or loved ones he could do any of that with.

Sure,

He had _Seb_, but Seb had his own loved ones.

And that's the nub of the problem, isn't it?

"Where do you get your bread?" Antonio inclines his head.

Kimi describes the little bakery and Antonio makes a pleased noise.

"Oh I know that one!" he beams, "you should try the multigrain sourdough," he recommends, tucking a lock of hair behind an ear as he enthusiastically describes it for Kimi.

As if Kimi will struggle to remember the self-explanatory name _multigrain sourdough_.

Antonio insists that Kimi try it at least once.

"Sure," Kimi has no plans to but Antonio doesn't need to know that.

Kimi always gets his rye with sunflower seeds.

It's so strange chatting with Antonio about bread in a crowded square, people moving around them like an ocean.

Kimi allows himself a few seconds to imagine what it would be like if they weren't the people they were.

(Instead of remembering how Antonio's body felt underneath his on the roof of _la officina _with a starry sky above them and wine burning his throat.)

If they were just two regular colleagues who ran into each other on the weekend.

"I'll see you on Monday?" Antonio asks quietly.

Kimi snorts.

It's as if he read Kimi's mind.

"I'll see you at the office," Kimi says drily. .

Antonio laughs, "_yeah_, see you at the office," he agrees and stuffs his earbud in.

He surprises Kimi by briefly wraps a hand around Kimi's forearm and squeezes a little.

Kimi watches him jog away and then resumes making his way to the bakery.

He waits in line behind a woman with a bright green silk scarf tied around her neck and her little son. He can't be older than seven or eight.

The little boy tugs on her coat and asks at least five times why they can't get some of the chocolate biscuits too.

She ignores him and Kimi wonders if he's going to stop nagging her. His mother is clearly not going to let him get the chocolate biscuits. 

She instructs the man behind the counter to slice a crusty loaf of ciabatta.

Kimi watches as he slides the sliced loaf into a bag for her and ties it. She reaches into her handbag for her purse and then asks the man to pack _five or six of the chocolate biscuits, please_.

Kimi blinks and watches as the little boy whoops and thanks his mother. She sighs but she's smiling and she bends down to let him press a kiss to her cheek.

Kimi watches as she pays and then collects her bread and biscuits, she hands the little paper bag of biscuits to the boy to carry and they link hands as they walk down the street.

"What would you like today?" the man asks Kimi.

"The multigrain sourdough," Kimi says without thinking and then spends the rest of the day trying to figure out just why he said it.

-

Kimi hears it in passing, he's coming back from a smoke break and a few of the others are chatting.

He tucks his lighter in his pocket as his ears prick up.

"_The little grasshopper is being sent on his own kill."_

Laughter.

Kimi can feel his shoulders tense.

_"Antonio?"_

"_The puppy will have to slay the lion."_

More laughter.

Kimi is in Charles' office in less than a minute and requesting that he be allowed to oversee the job.

Charles regards him sharply and rejects the request.

Kimi makes his case again with more urgency in his voice and Charles rejects it calmly a second time.

Plan B is addressing Antonio directly. _Surely_, Kimi reasons, _he'll see reason._

_Someone has to._

That is not the case.

Antonio's expression gets pinched and he crosses his arms when Kimi asks him if he can join him on the job.

"Do you not think I can do my job?"

"No, it's not that," Kimi assures him, "I just think that I should be there-"

"-So you can save me if something goes wrong, yeah," Antonio's eyes narrow, "yeah _I figured_."

"No well, I mean-" Kimi has hit a wall.

Antonio looks down at his feet and considers his next words.

When he looks up his eyes are hard but not unkind, "you keep trying to protect me because that's what you did for him."

Kimi doesn't ask who he's referring to.

Doesn't need to.

He can read between the uncomfortable lines just fine thanks.

"You don't know how anyone could ever _love you_ without_ needing you,_" Antonio diagnoses bluntly.

Kimi can hear his heartbeat thudding in his ears.

"But at the same time," he continues, "you're terrified," his voice is even, "because _he _needed you but he didn't love you back."

Kimi meets his gaze and waits for Antonio to stop flaying the soft flesh of his body in that deceptively gentle voice.

"You were wrong, Kimi," Antonio says patiently, "you were wrong about Seb and maybe you were wrong about yourself too," he laughs tiredly, "but I refuse to let you use that fear to make me another blueprint for heartbreak and disappointment."

-

In a rare display of genuine human emotion, Giancarlo quietly tells Kimi that Antonio is in the bathroom on the third floor.

Kimi thanks him and starts making his way upstairs.

He knocks and then quietly opens the door to the little bathroom tucked into the end of the hallway.

Antonio is sitting on the pale green tiled floor, his back pressed against the wall.

He's covered in blood.

_The fool._

Kimi grabs a white face towel and twists the hot water tap to soak it in warm water before he starts wiping at Antonio's face, careful not to tug too hard at his skin.

Antonio stares blankly at the wall while Kimi quietly cleans his face.

"I'm not going to be _him_," he says softly, "no matter how many times you save me or try to protect me, I'm not him."

Kimi doesn't ask what he means.

Who he's referring to.

He doesn't need to.

"I don't think you are," he says carefully as he twists around to dip the cloth in warm water again.

The blood-soaked in the cloth turns the water in the sink pink.

"You think that if you didn't protect me I wouldn't still be here," Antonio sounds muted.

Resigned.

Kimi swallows, "I don't think that."

"That's a lie," Antonio whispers, "but it's okay, I understand if you think you need to lie to yourself for a little while longer."

Kimi ignores him to carefully tilts Antonio's chin so he can press the damp cloth to the dried blood near his ear lobes.

And Seb was never a child of crime.

Not like Kimi is.

Not like Antonio is.

He stood at the intersection, the fork in the road, and chose the path overrun with vines and dark shadows.

_The fool_, Kimi can't help the slight fondness and the pang in his chest.

There was something playful and trusting in Seb that has long since been snuffed out of Kimi and Antonio.

Something that still believed that this was a game and not a life sentence.

A belief that if he jumped there would always be something to break his fall.

"You don't have to love me but I don't want you to think I'm someone else," Antonio adds.

Kimi's lip twitches.

There is no softness to Antonio that was not the result of pain.

Of this life and all its cruelties.

A bluntness to his words belied by his soft voice.

"You couldn't be Seb if you tried," Kimi says and he doesn't miss the way Antonio's lip trembles slightly, his hands too, "and he could never be you."

He settles down beside Antonio on the tiled floor.

Kimi holds Antonio's hand, squeezes it, and waits beside him until he stops shaking.

-

Charles is livid when he hears that someone is trying to dethrone him. His copy of _Vogue Italia _lies forgotten on the table as he paces in the garden.

Silk kimono flowing as he mutters obscenities in French and Italian.

Kimi just waits for him to finish.

He watches the kids. Henry and Collette water the flowers and Leon is lying on his brightly coloured play mat.

Charles can't seem to get over the fact that someone would dare oppose him. Would dare think they could do his job-

_And do it better._

There's a frightening totality to it. How Charles seems to think he actually is a Viper Queen. 

It reminds him of when Seb would get an idea and refuse to let it go until he had mapped it out completely down to every minute little detail and eventuality.

An obsessive hunger for more.

_It must be exhausting_, Kimi thinks,_ living like that_.

He spent so long following after Seb and training his eyes on his back that it blocked out the sun.

Seb is gone now and Kimi is staring at the sky without a clue of what to do next.

He doesn't know what that leaves him with.

He invariably thinks about Antonio.

Loaves of freshly baked bread and soft hands and packets of tissues with cherry blossoms printed on the packaging.

A mouth that tastes like wine and honey and something he can't quite put his finger on.

Charles jabs his fingers and rants like a man possessed and Kimi thinks about how might have-

Might have liked the idea of Seb more than he ever truly loved him.

Maybe he was being unfair too- by expecting Seb to be something he wasn't.

Charles swears under his breath and Kimi remembers.

_Idolisation and demonisation are the same sin. _

Maybe Seb never loved him but maybe Kimi spent years following him around and never really knew him either.

-

And then just when Kimi thinks he might be ready to exist in a world without Seb-

Seb surprises him yet again.

And he seemingly rises from the dead.

Kimi hauls him up the stairs of _la officina _and knows that Charles is in his office reading over some reports.

He can hear Antonio stuttering from the other side of the door.

"What's going on? What did I miss?" Seb is mumbling.

"Just you wait and fucking see," Kimi snorts.

And then he pushes the door open for Seb.

Kimi watches as Charles and Seb stare and _breathe_ at each other like there is no one else in the room.

How Charles cups his face with trembling hands and seems to breathe in through new lungs.

How a decade seems to be wiped off of Seb's face in a matter of seconds.

Something slots into place and the world is righted again. 

Kimi swears he could pinpoint the exact moment.

He reads the room and quietly melts away and jerks his head for Antonio to follow him.

He shuts the door quietly after Antonio slips out.

They make it a few steps before they both just stop and lean against the wall.

"Wow," Antonio breathes.

"Yeah," Kimi agrees, "_wow."_

They stand there for a little while and then burst into laughter.

At the absurdity.

A leader seemingly risen _from the fucking dead. _

And Antonio is really quite beautiful when he laughs, all the cynicism and quiet tentativeness all but knocked out of him by the force of his laughter.

His eyes are glittering and he presses a hand to his mouth to muffle his laughs.

"Get a drink with me?" Kimi blurts out.

He doesn't know why he asks.

One minute he's just watching Antonio laugh and he just thinks that he might like to watch him laugh and smile for a little while longer.

Over glasses of red wine.

A small dish of glossy olives.

Crusty sourdough bread studded with grains.

Antonio freezes.

He tucks a lock of hair behind an ear and his expression is unreadable, "I'm not him," he reminds Kimi.

"I know," Kimi says patiently, "and I'm asking you not him anyway."

There are probably more elegant ways to phrase it.

Alas.

"I didn't ever want to drink wine and eat expensive bread and olives with him," he tries to clarify.

Antonio is staring straight ahead. Kimi admires his profile.

How dignified Antonio has always made heartbreak and tragedy look.

(How beautiful he could make_ happy_ look if someone just gave him the chance.)

"I'll think about it," Antonio says quietly but there's a small upturn to his lips that has Kimi hopeful.

Either way,

Kimi finds he's ready to fight for every hesitant inch Antonio will concede.

The creature nestled inside his unfurls, flexes it's muscles, and bares its teeth once more.

"It's an open offer," Kimi shrugs.

Antonio smiles softly to himself, "noted."

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you liked it!


End file.
